moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
