Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i think i have two assholes
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
