just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
