Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
