the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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