tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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