I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
