So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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