Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
