We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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