The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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