i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
