It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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