then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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