just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
