chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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