i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
