She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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