I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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