If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
