So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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