i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
