Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
