it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
