if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
