I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
