so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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