i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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