I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
