i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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