my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
