Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
