Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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