At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
