Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
