Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
