I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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