Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
no you cant smoke seaweed
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
