Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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