Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
