I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
