two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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