Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
