Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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