You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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