I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
