I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
They took my balls.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
