____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
