the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
