So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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